Occupation: Alphonse Elric
by Spirix
Summary: Al searches for his future job destiny but no matter what he picks, it leads back to him finding more than he ever wanted to know about his big brother... and his preferences in the office place. EdRoy twosome, threesome, foursome, AWESOME... sorry XD
1. st Option: Detective

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

A/N: Occupational Hazards goes inbetween each chapter and you can find them in the reviews by _silkendreammaid_, a dear twisted friend of mine. So, to know the WHOLE story, you should read my chapter first, then go into the reviews to read the corresponding review she wrote, then come back for the next chapter... then back agains. Okay? Okay.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 1: Detective**

"Brother!" Al echoed as he clanked into the library. He found his brother just sitting down at his usual table. Edward looked started and rather ruffled as he turned his golden eyes upward.

"Hey Al, what's going on?" he said looking at his book with great interest. Al looked at his messy hair and if he could have smirked, he would have.

"I've decided what I'm going to be when I grow up," Al informed his brother with pride and glee.

"Al, don't you think you're tall enough as it is?" Edward said with a forced casual tone.

Al leaned over the table and grabbed Edward's frayed braid with interest. Ed squawked indignantly as he was forced to stand. Al took in his appearance. Edward's shirt wasn't tucked in and on backwards. He grinned with his thoughts and tried to portray his delight on his armour face.

"I'm going to use my well honed skills of observation to be a detective. For example, you, Brother are a mess. Since Winry came into town yesterday AND I couldn't find her all morning I can draw but one conclusion. You and she were messing around in the tax recipe storage room weren't you?" Al exclaimed and pointed his finger and poked Edward hard in the chest.

The blonde snarled and swatted the armour glove away. Edward freed himself and turned his back on Al to fix his pile of papers. "HA! Shows what you know. Winry went part shopping at the crack of dawn so she could fix my arm before dinner."

Al stared at his brother for a moment, trying to look puzzled then asked, "Then who were you fooling around with in the tax room?"

"Oh, we weren't in the tax room. The colonel prefers the unsolved file room. He says it adds more mystery." Edward said without thinking.

Alphonse decided as his brother turned red, that if this is what it meant to be a finder of the truth and justice, he wanted no part in it.

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Welcome to another on of my random ideas. This chapter is based on a three panel comic I saw on deviantArt. The chapters after this are all my ideas and I would give credit to this person, but I can't remember who they were.


	2. nd Option: Chemist

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 2: Chemist**

"What are you making?" Edward asked as he peered around Al's armour side. Al jumped in shock, thinking he was alone and turned.

"Well I found a new life ambition for myself." Al stated proudly and held a bottle of something blue before him. He rattled and clanked with suppressed joy and Edward took the bottle.

"What is this?" he asked and opened the top. "It smells like mint."

"Really?" Al responded excitedly and turned to write down some notes. "I call it blue goop! I decided I want to be a chemist. They mix things together to get new things. It's like alchemy but without arrays. Instead it has ingredients."

Edward looked at him and looked back at the blue goop. He was trying to keep his face blank at his brother's discovery. Al always appreciated the effort his brother put into keep him happy. Edward bit his left glove off to reveal his flesh hand. He stuck his middle finger into the full bottle and pulled it out with a thin coating of goop. He sniffed it again and without warning, plunged the said digit into his mouth. He kept it there for a moment then his eyebrows shot up.

"Hey Al, can I keep this? It tastes really good. Like gum or candy." Edward slurred around his finger.

"Sure Brother," Al asked suspiciously, "but why?"

"Oh, I think it would make an excellent lube. See you later Al, don't wait up!" Edward called as he dashed out the dorm room door with his coat only half on.

Al pulled out his list and crossed of chemist. He refused to be someone's kinky toy supplier. Just the word made him wish he could blush and die.

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Can you see the sick path I'm leading you down? Join the dark side, we have cookies. :)


	3. rd Option: Merchant

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 3: Merchant**

"Oh the hustle and bustle of the market place always energizes me." Al said as he laid out his wares. Today was the day he try something normal and domestic. He had a both and he was going to sell pretty alchemized things. He had necklaces, toys, spice racks and little kitty figurines.

"You just wait Brother; my merchant skills will blow you away!" Al proclaimed to a random booth post. He heard a snicker and turned to see Havoc smiling at him.

"Hello Alphonse!" Havoc said a little too friendly for Al's liking. Havoc was smiling like a loon.

"Good morning Second Lieutenant. How are you?" Al tried to sound causally polite and hoped his discomfort with that massive grin wasn't evident.

"I'm excellent," Havoc grinned wider if possible, "but you could make me outstanding."

Havoc placed two hands on his table and leaned forward slowly. Al could hear his body clanking in discomfort and he tries to lean away, unfortunately there was no where to escape too, stupid confined booth.

"Calm down Al, all I want is some of your famous Bloop. How much are you charging?" Havoc took out his wallet and leafed through some bills.

"Bloop?" Al tilted his head to the side to convey his confusion.

"Yeah, the blue goop lube Ed had. He ran out and nothing else works as good, or tastes as good either." He continued to go through his bills as if looking for something.

Al stood completely still in shear horror. He thought about saying something but Havoc cut him off. "Anyways, normally I would think us being friends and I would have to pay but we all want to support you new job choice. I think it's fantastic."

"We?" Al managed to squeak out.

"What? Oh yes, me and the rest of the office. It's a fine product." Havoc looked up with a quick smile and went back to digging.

Okay, good. For a moment Al thought that his brother may have been juggling more than one, he mentally gulped, man. If the whole office supported him then obviously Edward had split it up between them all, right?

"So, are you placing an order for the office then?" Al asked, trying to get answers without actually asking.

Havoc laughed and pulled out a list. "No, they can get their own. I'm just ordering for the three of use since we are only going to end up keeping them all at Roy's place anyways."

"Roy's..?" Al felt like his incapable metal body was going to be sick.

"Are you okay Al? Roy as in Roy Mustang, you know that hot piece of ass Ed and I are toying with. Speaking of which, we have made of list of flavours for you to try out making!" Havoc handed him the piece of paper he finally found. He whistled and left Al in the wake of the horrible realization that Edward wasn't just gay, but he was a man slut too.

"Are you alright there?" A passer-by asked as Al remained frozen in place.

"Actually I have a question for you," Al said in a high pitched voice. "How many trucks do you think it would take to flatten me?"

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Bwahahaha.


	4. th Option: Reporter

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 4: Reporter **

"So how long have you been scheduling the intramural soft ball tournament Warrant Officer Falman?" Al said while hold his pen in anticipation. He jotted down facts and statistics while his mind said over and over that this occupation was right for him. There was no way this would have anything to do with Ed. Alphonse made a solemn promise that as a reported he would uncover the unseen lives behind the people he saw day to day, none of them being Ed. Falman was an excellent start, excellent and safe, excellent safe and boring. Holy Flamel this man was going to cause him to rust if he had to sit still any longer.

"So that is how I rotate the eighteen teams into round robin rotation games, rotating the rotations counter clockwise and alphabetically." The warrant officer drawled on. Al was wondering if the grass outside needed supervising when Master Sergeant Fuery came in a sat down. He listened to the exchange of baseball related questions, perked up and interrupted them.

"Al, you should really interview Lieutenant Colonel Hughes. He sounded like an avid baseball player this morning."

Al turned his attention to Fuery. "I never knew he played any sports."

Falman inquired, "He must play for one of the city teams because his name isn't on any of our team rosters."

Fuery looked at Al for a moment in a very confused way. "But Al, he said he played with your brother. I heard him chatting with Havoc this morning."

"Brother doesn't play sports," Al exclaimed. He suddenly felt that sensation in his soul that untold horrors lay ahead. Dare he ask? He squared his shoulders with a clank and looked Fuery right in the spectacles. Alphonse was an Elric, and dammit, they fear no one! "What did he say to Havoc?"

"Well," Fuery replied looking uncomfortable in Al's massive shadow towering over him. "Havoc was laughing about Hughes batting for the other team, which is weird because tournaments are coming up, why would he switch now? Anyways, Hughes started laughing then and said he was surprised to find out who his team-mates were, especially Ed. I figured he meant you brother. There are very few Ed's here in the city. Don't get closer! The spikes! Okay, okay, I'll talk get to the point. Havoc then said that Ed was the fastest getting around the bases but liked to take his time at home plate. Hughes then blushed, which was weird and grinned to the side. That's when he said he planned on playing in all nine innings next time instead of sitting on the bench like last night. Well there you go Al!"

Fuery practically ran out of the room leaving the very dumb-struck pair to sit, or in Al's case, stand silently. They didn't even notice Colonel Mustang walk past them and sit at the desk. Falman was the first to speak.

"Who knew Lieutenant Colonel Hughes was so interested in baseball?"

"Falman," Mustang said over from his desk, "you know very well Maes hates all sports."

"But Sir, he said he wanted to play a game last night, maybe I should ask him again about joining a team. The Mess Hall Horrors are short a player." Falman pulled out his clipboard from who knows where and began scanning lists. Al was still trying to figure out what just happened. It didn't make sense.

"Last night? He couldn't have." Mustang cut in. "Hughes was at my place for the good part of the evening going over some reports. You must have been misinformed."

Then it clicked. Last night Ed didn't come home. He walked through the dorm door just in time for breakfast with that grin on his face.

"Sir?" Al asked without thinking. He didn't want to know the answer, but a reporter and an Elric would never back down. His instincts could be wrong. Right?

"Yes Alphonse?" Mustang inquired.

"Was my brother helping you with the reports?" Please say no. Please say no. Please say no. Pretty please?

"Yes he was. Didn't he tell you? Havoc, Hughes, your brother and I were up almost all night working on those reports. I was shocked that such a short person could have so much stamina to do such hard work all night… Alphonse, are you alright? Your armour is chattering?"

Al said nothing and walked past the colonel to look out the window. Three… Ed was with three adult men?

"Sir? What floor are we on?"

"…The seventh…why?"

It took a very large fireball and a direct order to go back to the dorms to keep Al from leaning out the window any further. He decided that a seven story drop wasn't horrifying enough to wipe that picture from his mind. He needed a taller building.

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How many stories do you think it would take? I guess the real question is how flat would the impact have to ma Al before he could forget the thought those four, together

Oh and isn't baseball awesome?


	5. th Option: Volunteer

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 5: Volunteer**

Alphonse strolled through the bustling corridors with a gleeful bounce to his step. He had a real assignment of his own and wanted to announce it to the world. The Fuhrer had given him a job. It didn't pay, it came with no benefits and most of all, if anything ever happened to him, his family would not be supported or looked after. Al was certain Ed would be fine, so he took it. He was an official volunteer of the state.

His first mission? Why to collect the raffle jar for this week's 50/50 draw from Falman. Easy enough, he just had to swing by the office, pick up the jar and delivery to Colonel Douglas. That was it. The Fuhrer said if he managed doing his work efficiently for the next month, he would consider a paying civilian position for Al. It was exciting, have this small piece of freedom away from Ed and his… extra curricular activities.

Al shuddered as he thought about the conversation he had with Edward last night. He may have been thankful no baseball or any other sport terminology was used but Al knew he would never look at a snake the same way again, or a rabbit hole, head lights, eels, bushes and as he cringed again, pussy cats. Al swore that whenever he had kids, he would never use animal analogies to describe sex. It hurt too much.

He opened the door and walked into a strangely empty office. Where were the colonel and his crew? He looked up at the clock and saw that it was lunch. That explained it. He walked over to Falman's desk and took out the raffle jar from inside a large drawer. Then he paused. Under was a package or something at least, with his name one it. Al placed the jar on the desk and took out the brown, thick envelope.

The part of him was screaming again, but he ignored it. Al recognised Hughes penmanship so he knew the package was safe. He hoped he was safe. Dammit, he knew he was far from safe but opened the envelope anyways. He peeked in and saw some pictures and a note. He decided to read the note first before looking at the photos.

_Dear Al, _

_I heard Edward did a poor job of introducing you into the world of men and women. Never fear! I will fill in his very large gaps of information. I provided you with full coloured diagrams so that you can understand what it means to be an adult better._

_Have a good day and call if you don't understand something!_

_-Maes_

_PS  
I trust you'll know the models so I won't introduce them. Oh and don't tell them you have these. I promised I would be good… so much for that. _

Models… Oh my… Al looked back into the folder and tried to decide what to do. Curiosity was an overwhelming thing. Beyond his better judgment, he pulled out the first photo and froze. Two blondes and a third participant with black hair were playing twister. From the style, Hughes was obviously the photographer. That's what Al focused on. Not that he knew all three, one being his brother and the other two being men who worked in his office. Not that they were playing naked and… attached. Not that his brother looked like he was being sandwiched. None of these things were relevant. If they were, he would have to go kill Edward, the slit his own wrists, if he could.

Al hazarded a second look at the picture and noticed something else. It was labelled helpfully with arrows and neat blue writing. The envelope fell from his shaking hands, spreading the erotic pictures across the floor. Alphonse didn't want to, but some force made him bend to pick up another. It wasn't the picture that drew him in, but the label. His vision blurred, well he willed it to blur to block the neat writing of those life wrecking words and simply drawn arrow. Alphonse screamed and ran out of the room, almost impaling Fuery in the process. He just came into the office.

"Hey Al, you ok!?" Fuery called out but was ignored as Al ran like there was no tomorrow. After that horrific image, there may as well be no tomorrow. Al certainly wished there was no now.

Those two words…

_Shrimp. Cock._

"I want my mommy!" was all Al could manage to say was he stormed out of the building.

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Wow... I think I may be in this just to see if Al can beat the sound barrier. I have always wanted to play strip twister but I have prude friends who can't bend to save their souls. Playing monopoly is a chore. sigh

Ok, enjoy!


	6. th Option: Seamstress

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

**A/N: So I'm going to put this in chapter one also for everyone who already made it to this point.**

Occupational Hazards goes inbetween each chapter and you can find them in the reviews by _silkendreammaid_, a dear twisted friend of mine. So, to know the WHOLE story, you should read my chapter first, then go into the reviews to read the corresponding review she wrote, then come back for the next chapter... then back agains. Okay? Okay.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 6: Seamstress  
**

Al looked at the wall of beautiful fabric in wonder. If only he could feel the silks and satins, but he couldn't. Al balled his fists and made a silent declaration that once he had his body back, he would touch whatever he wanted, just like Ed… HOLY FLAMEL NO! Not like Ed. Those pictures swarmed his thought and Al wish he could get dizzy and pass out, but he was still stuck in his armour.

Miss Vene called from the front room. "Alphonse dear, can you grab the three custom made dresses in the back. The buyer is here."

Miss Vene was Falman's twin sister. She hated being called Miss Falman so Al decided Miss Vene would do. Just formal enough for his new employer yet social enough to call out when he needed her help. Al wandered into the back and thought about his list of things to pick up for tomorrow. His volunteer duties were still in effect, but Al wanted money too, so he juggled both occupations.

Al easily found the three items. He had spent all afternoon organising the storage room. He wasn't actually able to help make the wonderful dresses that came out of 'Fabulous Falman's' because his hands would catch on the soft materials but Miss Vene hired him for the week to help move around all her equipment. She was so nice Al wanted to follow her around all day. She showed him tricks of the trade at every opportunity. Maybe, when he got his body back, he could come back and work with her more? It was fascinating on its own but Miss Vene made the process almost magical.

He brought out the three dresses to a very happy Maes Hughes. Al felt like turning right back around but Miss Vene caught his elbow.

"Alphonse, I need to go pick up some things from the shoe store across the street for Mr Hughes, will you stay here and keep him entertained with your delightful stories?"

Al could only nod and hand over the black bag covered hangers. Miss Vene gave him a sparkling smile and left the two alone. Hughes continued to grin at him as the minutes ticked by. Suddenly Hughes opened up one of the bags to reveal a nice black skirt and vest suit. It came with a white shirt and a bright red tie. It looked very sharp. Hughes held it out for inspection then placed it on the counter. He did the same with the other two bags. One had a white golf shirt and a plaid, pleated short skirt with a hunter green sweater vest, obviously a school uniform and the other was frilly blue maid outfit.

Al remained silent as each was laid before him on the counter. Hughes looked them over then went around the shop, picking up matching accessories from the shelves. Miss Vene's dress shop had the added bonus of making costumes, so there was always a wide variety of fake jewellery and such. Hughes picked up a pair of grey knee socks, black cats ears and green hair pins, placing them with the school uniform. He then grabbed a feather duster and a blue laced hair band. These were put with the maid outfit. Finally he selected a collapsible pointer, a red ribbon and a pair of spectacle frames, putting those with the power suit.

Nothing was said for the longest time. Al refused to even think because thinking would just cause mass amounts of brain failure at this moment.

"Hey Al, I have a job for you. How would you like to be my assistant for a project? I'm making a scrapbook. I think you'd like it." Maes said good naturedly.

Al tilted his head to the side and tried not to look at the array of dresses before him. "What kind of scrapbook? One for all of Elysia's pictures?"

Hughes' grin became so huge that Al took a step back. Oh no, oh no. He spoke! Why did he speak? Why! Al slapped his face and hated himself. He swore to himself to never talk to Hughes again after those pictures, so much for that oath.

"Why no! This is a more private collection. I have a new camera and wanted to try out some things. It has excellent removable lenses and can take a great deal more pictures in a row before overheating. I plan on putting it through its paces tonight when your brother and the others come over. I do _love _wining bets. I knew Cain liked Jean. Now all my fantasies will come true" Hughes hugged himself and the stopped for a moment.

"Al, can Ed wear a pump with his automail leg? I want him to be my steamy librarian. You know, stern and shy on the outside, but once the bun comes undone, he will be a rough and wild sex fiend. I got Roy this school girl outfit and some ears. He will be the young and experimental virgin who just want's to ride me like a pony. Oh and this maid outfit is for Jean. He is going to be the loyal employee who has loved me from afar but could never build-up the courage to say what he truly desires. That's when I step in and fulfil his wildest dreams along with his body." Maes was speaking rapidly, holding a red ribbon so tightly it just might tear between his balled fists.

"I think I will call this collection 'Fantasies Come True'… What do you think Al? Al?"

Alphonse would have replied if it weren't for the images flying through his thoughts. The other day's pictures combined with the role-playing monologue were fusing in to one massive horrific mental movie. He could see it all quite vividly. In his mind, librarian Edward turned around in his power suit and asked Al to help him pin up his hair. Al didn't even flinch as he saw the kitty girl clad colonel come into view wearing only his ears, skirt, barrettes, socks and a smirk to help. His mind was trying to processes what was happening as them moved, and a small voice said that they were setting up to perform the Italian chandelier position, picture number twelve.

Al didn't even hear the crash as his body fell to the floor. Why did he go back and take all those pictures from Fuery? Oh yeah… to protect his brother's reputation… Al thought vaguely about how it was too late for that. At least there was an advantage to being in this suit of armour, no nightmares because he didn't sleep. Why oh why did he go back for those pictures, and why did he even notice number three was missing?

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Don't forget to read silkendreammaid's reviews for behind the scenes stuff.


	7. th Option: Pet Store Attendant

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 7: Pet Store Attendant**

"Alphonse, would you watch the store for the afternoon? I have to take Mindy to the vet. Some delinquent stepped on her paw!" Mrs Cosgrave tittered and made her way out the door, Mindy in hand. She pushed passed a grinning Fuery, who came over to greet Al.

"How are you doing today Al?" he said in a tone that was off. Al couldn't put his finger on what it was.

"… I'm fine… and you?" he said hesitantly. On Thursdays, Al usually came in to Mindy's Manor Pet Supplies to play with the cats, but today it looked like he was going to get to run the shop. Al went over and stood behind the desk with a mental grin, ignoring Fuery's odd whistling as he browsed around the shelves.

After what felt like hours, Al asked, "So, do you finally have a pet?"

Fuery's eyes twinkled as he brought over a handsome brown leather leash and a blue collar that said 'Bad to the Bone' on the back. "You could say that," the master sergeant commented with a giggle. The giggle horrified Alphonse like no homunculi ever could… no, not Fuery too!

Maybe he was just overacting. "So, what kind of dog do you have?" Al inquired.

"Oh a naughty blond one, he had a very bad previous owner and now I have to discipline him all over again." Fuery said while fingering the collar.

Something in Alphonse snapped and he yelled, "Just because my brother is a slut, doesn't mean I'll let you hurt him!"

Fuery tilted his head to the side. "Ed? I was talking about Jean. I didn't know Edward was gay. It's a good thing I snatched Jean now before it was too late. I think he may like Ed a bit."

"But, aren't you going to," Al wanted to stop there, but he couldn't, "join in their games? I mean, if you are with Jean, you must have been with Brother and the Colonel too. Maybe even the Lieutenant Colonel."

"What?!" Fuery yelped and looked at Al with huge eyes, magnified by his glasses. "What games?"

Al, once again, hated himself for speaking. "Their sex games of course. I was traumatized at first too, but I think I'm immune to their kinky lifestyle or maybe it is that they have nothing left to shock me with. Please let them have nothing else to shock me with." The last part was said mostly to himself.

Al watched the colours on Fuery's face change and jumped when he snapped the leash with a loud crack. "I'll teach him the true meaning of dominance! 'I slept with the chief once'… Ha!" He flung money onto the counter and stormed out of the shop.

Al was glad for once it wasn't him who was the victim. Maybe he was finally opening up to the whole "group love" concept… Al began bashing his head on the counter. Never, never, never!

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Don't forget to read silkendreammaid's reviews for behind the scenes stuff.


	8. th Option: Historian

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 8: ****Historian **

Al looked at the big secret city he found under Central. All he could do was stare at it. When Falman suggested looking into the history of Central and cataloguing sites today with their matching ones in the past Al had been ecstatic. It was so horribly boring and not sexual that Ed would never be able to get involved, even if he wanted to. But this city was something completely different.

It was large, enclosed and made Al's soul shake. He didn't want to know anything anymore. Secret cities should remain that way but he didn't want to come all this way and not at least look around. A theatre house was in the very centre, which was reasonable right? Walk there and walk back. It would take two hours at most. Just long enough for the colonel to leave the dorms so Al wouldn't walk in on anything. Alphonse just assumed Ed was there with him because that's what Ed did while in Central, his boss. Al was learning to live with Ed's choices, just as long as he kept them at a distance. Hughes stopped bothering him with pictures, he didn't even care where the missing one was and Ed was still looking for a way to return his body.

Life was almost good. But he still didn't know what his true occupational calling was. Did Ed know his? Climb up the military chain maybe?

Visions of his brother standing on the colonel and Havoc came to mind. Why did Al keep those damn pictures? He couldn't even think of his brother without something dirty relating to him coming to mind. He scowled himself and began to walk. He knew why and just didn't want to admit it. He was jealous and curious, a dangerous combination to a teenage boy. Alphonse desperately wanted to feel something, anything. He wasn't interested in men but with every slip up and implied action, Alphonse felt a bit more human.

What kind of girlfriend would he have? Would they do insanely kinky things together or would she be repulsed and run like Al had so many times. Would he even be able to get a girlfriend? Did he want to do any of those things from his picture collection?

"NEVER! I AM NOT A CRAZY PERVERT! WE WILL DO NOTHING BUT MISSIONARY AND HAND HOLDING! THAT'S IT!" Al found himself shouting at the theatre doors. When the sound reverberated back to him, he was surprised to find the elegant doors within an arms reach.

Alphonse shoved them open with more force than he meant to. He stormed in like a certain other Elric and glared at nothing with his mind.

"I'm nothing like Edward. I don't like men. I don't like being a whore and I am not an attention whore! Do you hear me?"

He turned in a full circle and held his arms out straight.

"See? Nothing like him. I can't even do alchemy like him."

Alphonse clapped his hands and touched the floor to prove to the room he needed arrays but something happened. The room lit up and the transmutation erupted all around him. Al twisted and turned to find he was standing on a massive array. The blue crackling light blinded him and then all was black.

_Drip. _

What was that?

_Drip drop._

Alphonse was confused.

_Drip drop splash. _

What was that sound?

_Drip drop splash clunk. _

He opened his eyes to investigate… wait, eyes?

Alphonse sat up with a jolt. He could feel his muscle respond to his will. Muscles… Al looked himself over in dull shock. He had legs, arms… everything.

"I have a body… I have a body… OH MY FLAMEL I HAVE A BODY!" He yelled then began to cough, not used to his vocal cords yet. He stood up in his naked glory, flexing and stretching. He and Edward had discussed the possibility of his body being the same as those who just woke up from a long coma, in need of mass rehabilitation. Al jumped up and wiggled his fingers. He wouldn't need that.

Edward, Al had to tell him right away! He turned and saw he was still in the theatre house, but the mysterious array was gone. It didn't matter. Al had to see his brother right away, where would he be?

Picture number nine came to mind, the one with the road sign next to the park bench. Al suddenly knew from his reaction that from this point on, life would be very different. His face was burning not just shame.

"So, this is what it means to have a…functional body… damn hormones."

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Short but sweet. Imagine the fun now...

Don't forget to read silkendreammaid's reviews for behind the scenes stuff.


	9. th Option: Ninja

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

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Occupation: Alphonse Elric

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**Option 8: ****Ninja**

Alphonse was hiding under the dorm room window him and Edward shared. Clad only in a white sheet and looking very regal with the leaves sticking in his hair, Al wondered how he was going to climb up. The light was off so he was clear to make the scramble up without notice. Al thought about just walking in through the door, but no one would recognise him and he would be turned away. Alphonse had a body and already he was wishing he hadn't. It was very troublesome.

He placed one foot on a closed window lip and began his voyage up to his third story room. Luckily the window was open. Halfway up Alphonse paused to readjust his robe.

_Flash! _

What was that? It was a blinding flash of light! Al swayed and quickly grabbed onto the drainpipe to prevent him from falling to his death. It was surreal to think of death being an option now.

"Hang on there Mr Ninja! I'll save you!" Maes Hughes yelled from below.

Al's eyes opened wide as the man quickly hung that blasted camera from his neck and headed for the base of the drainpipe. At the call of 'ninja', people began to gather. Dammit, it was night; they should all be out, somewhere, anywhere!

"No! Mr Hughes, I'm fine," Al called down without thinking.

Hughes stopped in his tracks. "Al!? You have a body? Oh my god, I need to take a picture!"

A picture of him in a sheet! No way. "Mr Hughes, please not now!"

Al waved his arms in a gesture of negation, but as a result, he was no longer hanging on. With an ominous rip, Al tumbled down one and a half flights into a big bush.

"Al, are you alright?" Maes's hand found its way in front of his face. Al took it thankfully and used it to hoist himself to his feet. The cool night air whipped between his bare legs and around his hips… the blanket was gone!

_Flash! Flash! FLASH! _

"MR HUGHES! Stop it!" Al pleaded in a squeaky voice.

Maes poked his head up from behind his camera. That insane sparkle glimmered in the man's eyes. Al shuddered and put the bush between himself and the photographer.

"Don't worry Al, these pictures are for you brother. I'm sure he'll want to see your new… fabulous body. You know, I always though you two would look alike. Maybe we can… take some picture with you two together. They would be for strictly comparing… and my collection! You could wear matching outfits!"

Al felt his whole body heat up. Even in the dark, his blush must have been evident because a random Private called out.

"Aww! Look at the cute _little_ red ninja!!"

His life was over before it even began. Alphonse at least felt like he understood his brother a bit better.

* * *

I was ninjaing around my house... this was a result. I'm a horrible ninja, I did a domino racket with only artifical plants at 3am... It's a good thing my family loves me... :D

-Rix


	10. th Option: Model

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

* * *

Occupation: Alphonse Elric

* * *

**Option 10: Model**

Alphonse huffed into the barrack room and slammed the door behind him. Damn that Hughes and his camera. He seethed and foamed at the mouth for a moment then sagged against the door. Running was a lot of work. He wasn't used to so much exercise. He had never been unfit, but not having a body for years made one forget the finer things in life, like panting until one wanted one's life to end. Things like that.

He scanned the two twin beds, the desk and then the sink area but saw no sign of his brother's body, but his brother's clothing was everywhere. Al looked at his own naked body and then at a pair of thrown aside leather pants. They might fit…

He hauled them up to his knees before falling over into a semi naked heap. It looked like Ed's small hips were more than a match for Alphonse's calves. He groaned and kicked off the black pants. What could he wear now? It wasn't as if Brother had a variety to choose from. He didn't even own a uniform…

That's when Al noticed that the leather ensemble wasn't the only one occupying all the surfaces in the space. A blue uniform was haphazardly discarded on the desk chair also.

Al got up and inspected it. The jacket had the rank of a colonel… holy Flamel, Mustang and Ed were somewhere around here naked!

Al's faced heated up in record time. He needed something to wear before they came back!

He searched the drawers but found only a large array of the same thing; untold amounts of leather pants and black tank tops. He snatched a top and prayed he wasn't too wide to fit into the small thing.

"It should be fine, right? Brother's shirts are loose on him so they should be only a bit snug on me," he said to no one as he pulled it on.

A small rip noise made Al feel guilty. The petite top was being torn at the seams by the sheer girth of his chest and it didn't even come down past his ribs.

"I can't be that much larger than Brother," he looked down, "Ah! I look like Envy without a skirt!"

The blue starched pants were calling his name now. _We will fit you, Alphonse. Just try us on. It wouldn't hurt to try just once. Come on Alphonse, join us. _

Caving quickly when slow footsteps echoed down the hall on the other side of the door; Al dashed to the colonel's pants and threw them on. He would have tried a pair of Ed's boxers first but doubted it would have been worth the effort. Dressed at last, Alphonse walked over to the full length mirror (it was standard in all barrack rooms) and saw a startlingly gorgeous young man looking back at him.

"I'm beautiful!" Al said out loud and ran his hands over his slightly built chest and flat stomach. Ed was more chiselled but Al didn't care. The tight shirt hugged him flatteringly and the blue pants brought out his eyes. "With a face like this, I may not need to work as hard as I thought! Who's that pretty boy in the mirror? Al is!"

A loud slam brought him out of his self adoring. Al spun around, his pant-skirt catching air and lifting up in a dramatic twirl.

"Who the fuck are… fuck! Al!" Was all the warning Alphonse got as an overjoyed older brother tackled him to the floor. That overjoyed older brother was overly wet and even more naked.

"How did this happen. Holy fucking—Al is that really you?" Edward said with a massive grin.

For a smaller guy, Edward had him pinned without effort. Alphonse refused to believe it was because he was too traumatized to move. No, his brother was just super strong. His automail, that's right, it was the automail's steely grip that prevented him from pushing the naked blond away. It was also its overheating that caused the flush to cover Al's entire body. It wasn't a blush; it was the automail's heat… yeah.

"Brother, please!" Al pleaded. "Put some clothing on!"

"Yeah, Ed, look at you. Alphonse has had his body for less than a day and you're already trying to claim it. You'd think the shower fun would have been enough," a certain colonel said from somewhere behind Ed's head. Al couldn't see past it because it encompassed his whole vision.

"Shut up bastard! I'm just excited he's back. Look at him!" Edward hugged him around the neck fiercely. "He's here, in this room, in the flesh—"

"And in my pants. You know Alphonse, if you wanted in them so bad, you only had to ask."

Al flushed intensely as Ed rolled off him laughing. For a fleeting moment Al wished his naked brother would have stayed on top of him longer to block out that lusty wink Colonel Mustang was giving him. That and Al wouldn't have had to see just how equally naked the man was. Al may have a face pretty to enough earn some easy cash but Mustang had the body to never work again. Al rolled onto his stomach to hide his face… and his 'shame' at looking too long.

* * *

So I decided that I never get plot bunnies. Oh no. I get plot moose. Big, hulking, paper eating, coffee table knocked over, bed rattling and space taking plot moose. You can't walk around them. You can't ignore them. Hell, you can't even hide from them. They stand there with their hairband cheap cosplay bunny ears and chew. Chew and watch, while you feverishly attemp to write down their plot in order to escape the horror and pressure of being in a Room with a Moose!

This moose got me out of bed at 3am too! I blame Silky. I bet you anything she sent this one after me because I was distracting her earlier... lol, sorry!

-Rix the demon


	11. th Option: Deli Worker

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

* * *

Occupation: Alphonse Elric

* * *

**Option 11: Deli Worker**

Al stood behind the counter, inhaling the delicious smells. He loved the scent of fresh meat in the morning but little did he know that Maes Hughes thought the same way. Hughes leaned against the counter with a suspicious smirk.

"I just love Deli's.Don't you?" He asked in a knowing tone.

Al blinked and fiddled with his apron. "Yeah, that's why I work here. Did you want something?" He was still apprehensive after that night with the drain pipe. Hughes had assured him that the camera had broken, but Al didn't believe him. He'd only had his body a week now, but the man was always around. It made him uncomfortable.

The man didn't answer, instead taking big sniffs of the air. "What are you wearing?"

"An apron now what can I get you Lieutenant Colonel Hughes?" Al asked annoyed. He would not let Hughes make him feel like an awkward child. He was a man now dammit and no other man was going to make him blush!

"I guess I'll have a 'GBLT' then." He winked and Al felt his stomach drop.

"Do I want to know what that is? Because we don't have Grilled BLT's here." Al looked around and saw his brother in the back of the store. He too, lingered around a lot now, but Al wasn't as wary. Ed just wanted to make sure he was okay, but Hughes… Al didn't want to know what he was up to.

"Oh it's the best kind of sandwich there is!" Maes held out his hand with four fingers extended. He folded one finger suggestively with each word. "It's a Gay, Bisexual, Lesbian, Transvestite sandwich!I was wondering if you were interested in coming to a party tonight. It would be fun. You brother is already going and you'll know everyone there! Roy is hosting it."

Al didn't even feel the counter smack him in the head on the way down to the floor. All he could hear was Ed calling his name over and over as the smell of meat circled him, and it wasn't the kind of meat you can buy in a deli.Al twitched… a lot. What fresh hell was this? A deli fresh hell.

* * *

It's shorter but you know what? I've updated how many things today? --Doesn't care and likes this chapter as it is--

Less is more after all.

-Rix the demon


	12. th Option: Photography Director

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

* * *

Occupation: Alphonse Elric

* * *

**Option 12: Photography Director**

"Let me reassure you, young Elric, the lessons you will learn tonight will aid you in your every future endeavour," Armstrong said while sparkling. He had one of his massive arms draped around Alphonse's shoulders and the other was holding a gym bag. He was grinning broadly, only serving to make Al more nervous. Al was really wishing he had gone with Ed. At least he knew what was going to happen at Mustang's, they were planning a party for tomorrow night… and other things he chose not to think about.

"What kind of lessons Major Armstrong?" Al asked tentatively.

The man squeezed al tighter and pushed him through the apartment door. "The delicacies of leadership and composition of course, Maes has it all set up. Also, the importance of history, do you think you can handle all of that?"

This sounded amazing; Al could just picture the new lines he could add to his resume. Maybe he could even get the Fuhrer to give him a civilian job! This was his chance to prove his worth.

Armstrong gave him a two fingered salute and headed down a hallway while Al continued on to the living room.

"Good evening Alphonse! Are you ready," Maes said with an exuberant flare. He grabbed Al's hand and dragged him further into the room by his camera. "Well what do you think?"

Al eyed the room suspiciously before lighting up. It was decorated like a medieval fantasy world stage set. There was a large picture of a landscape with a castle in the background. Flowery vines draped all around room and Al smiled with glee. It was so pretty.

Maes slapped him on the shoulder. "I can see you like the set. That's _fantastic. _Listen, I know you and I got off to a wrong start with the ninja sandwich thing, so this is to make it up to you."

"What do you mean," Alphonse said in a dreamy voice, touching the false stone archway in awe.

"I mean, I want us to find a common ground and, you know, build from there. So this is my compromise. I love my pictures and you love your stories, so I thought we could build something together? What do you think? I'll be the photographer and you can be the director."

Alphonse looked at him and could only open and close his mouth like a fish. Hughes was being entirely sincere in a way Al didn't know possible. His eyes were wide and he could stop his jaw from its motion. It was then a large, muscular bride with a yellow moustache rushed past Al into the room with his back turned.

"Maes, I can't find my 'sword polish' anywhere," he said while peering around the room.

Maes pointed to the kitchen doorway. "If you mean that tube of Vaseline you use for lube, the glittery one, it's in the kitchen."

Alex smiled and walked into the other room, shouting out, "Thank you. I was beginning to fear my warrior bride ensemble would be incomplete. Now I can fend off the fiendish naughty Dragon Jean and claim my dear Prince Cain properly. Who knows, I may get to sheath my sword in both!"

Alphonse went a ghostly shade of parchment when the Major returned with his prize in hand and the front of his dress missing… along with every from of layer under that. The sparkling sword blinded Al with such an intensity that he hit the floor like a bag of hammers, twitching and chanting, "My eyes… my eyes…" over and over again.

* * *

So some of you may have noticed my naughty typo in 'One Sentence Drabbles'... Well I decided to keep it because its damn funny and kinky. When Silky was teasing me endlessly about it, this bunny jumped into my lap. Needless to say, this is ALL HER FAULT.

-Rix the demon


	13. th Option: Novelist

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

* * *

Occupation: Alphonse Elric

* * *

**Option 13: Novelist**

Al sat on the park bench with the wind blowing kindly through his hair. He smiled and took out his notebook. It was fine day to plough into the inner crevices of his imagination and pull out a story to share with the world. Today he was going to start his very own novel.

He opened page one and pressed his pen to the center of the page. This is where the title he would be known globally for would be first written. He smiled like a cat with a canary and tried to think of a proper name for his epic story.

"A Time To Come And A Time To Go," he said out loud and jolted when some snickered behind him.

Maes Hughes was holding a hand over his face, trying to hold back his laughs. "That sounds like a novel of the erotic type, and not even a good one."

Al huffed and turned away from the man. He was still miffed about the fiasco last night and didn't want to see any of them, especially a certain 'glowing' bride. The only part of that event he wanted to walk away with was that Hughes was right about one thing, Al had a lot of stories to tell and he shouldn't keep them to himself, hence the notebook.

Maes sighed and came around the bench, plopping down just far enough away that Al wouldn't bolt. "Listen, I was wrong about you and wanted to apologise."

This caught Al's attention and forced him to face the older man. "What do you mean?"

"Well I know what a... well how your brother is, and I was wrong to assume you would have similar interests." Maes stood up and brushed off his pants out of habit more than necessity.

Al smiled and said, "Thank you for understanding. I just don't—"

"I mean your brother is a brave guy and I respect him a hell of a lot more than I would ever admit to his face. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you believe in, especially when everyone is telling you that you are wrong. It's one thing to dabble and another experiment, but Ed is fully prepared to admit that being gay is a part of his life, not just a phase like so many of his age would brush off. I'm proud of his conviction and want to apologise once again for assuming you had that same valour and certainty." Maes gave him an odd look and walked away quickly, the sun catching on the bright tropical flowers on his shirt.

_What was that? I have valour and courage!_

Al threw his note book at the nearby hill in his frustration at Maes. How dare he say such a thing? Al wasn't some form of coward because he wasn't a kinky slut. He had to go through just as many hardships as Ed!

Al paced with a grimace on his face. Why was he so angry about this? He should be happy someone thinks so highly of his brother, but suddenly Maes not thinking so highly of him, al, made his skin crawl unpleasantly.

_Do I want him to have a good opinion of me? Well of course, but why?_

"Glorious morning isn't it?" came a voice that interrupted his thoughts. Armstrong's blond curl peeped over the hill and was soon followed by the rest of his body that was sculpted and covered with muscles and invisible rays of horror. He was dressed in a fine suit with a book in his hand. "You seem troubled by something, why don't you join our picnic?"

Al gave him a sidelong look but then gave in instantly when Armstrong raised his hand to remove his tie. He had already been blinded enough for the past 24hrs; Al wasn't ready to relinquish his eyesight again so soon.

"Hey Al," Maria Ross said from the checkered spread with Denny Brosh and a few other people that Al didn't know.

He smiled at her and offered a small wave before plopping down in the empty space, Armstrong taking another thankfully on the other side of the blanket. Al eyed a wide variety of colourful jars and picked up a yellow one in curiosity. "What's this?"

Brosh had a spoonful in his mouth and tried to talk around it until Ross smacked him on the back of the head. She answered instead. "Oh it's this wonderful snack the major wanted us to sample. He can't decide what flavour of Bloop he likes best."

Al choked on his own tongue for a moment and struggled for air. He looked in despair as every flavour he ever created was laid out like a buffet. He quickly composed himself and banished the images of the dirty uses most people, namely his brother, used Bloop for.

He had only just recovered when the major decided he needed have yet another mental break down. "Oh yes, after last night's sword emergency, Second Lieutenant Havoc introduced me to your lovely product. I must say Alphonse, I am very impressed. I sampled one last night in my more solo moments and found it to deliver pure bliss for both me and my wonder toys. My only concern was I didn't know what flavour would be best for licking them clean once I have 'had my fill'. That is when I called my loyal subordinates to aid me in this crisis."

Al twitched once. Al twitched twice. Al started to twitch so hard that the glass jar of yellow Bloop began to slush with each arm quake. Al knew he shouldn't ask but the sadistic part of his brain that sought to kill off the rest of his body made him. "What one did you use and for what... Major?"

Somehow he wasn't surprised in the answer. It was only natural that the Major lubricated his sex toys with the very same lemon flavoured Bloop Al held in his hand. The only comfort he was able to withdraw from the crashing world around him was for once he wasn't alone for the Major's subordinates were dying too. He guessed they didn't know as much about Major Armstrong as they thought.

* * *

I bring you horror and sex tied together in a bondage inspired bow. --evil laugh--

Anyways, I have been neglecting poor Al so I thought I would give him some much hated attention. I don't know what else to say except that I blame the gnome because... well something somewhere is bound to be her fault.

-Rix the demon


	14. th Option: GraveDigger

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA or the characters.

* * *

Occupation: Alphonse Elric

* * *

**Option 14: GraveDigger**

This was it: the glory job. Alphonse buttoned his maintenance uniform and revelled at how good he looked in navy. Nothing said 'I take my job seriously," like a crisp clean uniform and a good looking face to match. Al tried a confident smirk and fund he looked exactly like his brother and groaned. He loved his brother, he really did, but it was high time he found his own identity. The smirk wasn't really him.

He tried a few more facial expressions to see what with his Hello-what-can- do-for you greeting gesture. He was terribly excited to be on the ground floor, to be where all the magic happened, to be a part of the big picture for a bright and shining future.

Ah yes, today was the day he would change the world.

Or at least he thought that until sometime later when he found himself hip deep in a hole of his own creation. His gloved hands were blistered and there was a heavy layer of sweat coating his bare chest. He had long since taken his arms out of the long warm sleeves and tied them around his waist. He really wished he had thought to wear an undershirt but it wasn't like anyone would see him regardless. It was too gorgeous of a day to visit a graveyard.

Yes, he was a gravedigger. Yes, he accepted an opened ended job that was titled jack-of-all-trades but never had Al considered grave digging a trade.

If nothing else he was enjoying the labour. His body hummed pleasantly with exertion and his muscles bunched and flexed with each plunge of his new shovel. He thought fondly of his carved and defined future body and wondered what he would look like in a leather coat.

Do girls like leather coats? Do girls even like him? Al was beginning to think he was a perverted man magnet and they repelled all the sweet girls he could otherwise be spending his time with. No matter, once his lean slim body was more buff he would stop attracted men and the ladies would flock him. Oh how he looked forward to those days.

"Hey Elric! You aren't being paid to look at the clouds and contemplate your future. You're here to dig so get that shovel going!" Al's boss was a large portly man who look like he may have strangled a few people in a previous job and was forced to relocate here so he would have a limit source of live bodies to damage.

Al was trying to decide if being treated like just another worker was better or worse than living in his brother's shadow when a shadow casted over him.

"Al?" his brother asked from above him, a place Al never thought he would literally be. "What are you doing in this hole?"

Al stuck his shovel in the dirt and put his foot on it, trying to look the ultimate professional. Unfortunately he put too much weight on it and it sunk with an alarming jerk tilting poor Alphonse forward into his own dirt wall. Prying his face free and spitting the soil aside, Alphonse forced a smile on and told his brother about his new amazing job, glossing over some of the grimier bits.

"Well that's good!" Ed exclaimed and grinned warmly at his brother. "Train the body, train the soul and all that. I'm glad you found something you enjoy and that is good for you at last. I was beginning to worry."

Al positively glowed with appreciation. His brother didn't look down on his job! Well technically he was standing on the high up ground since Al was in his hole but that was a mere technicality.

Ed sat down on the ground and dangled his short childlike legs over the hole's edge. Al was always glad his brother couldn't read his mind, Al would surely not survive to apologise for seeing him as some form of cute little kid.

"Al, I actually have been looking for you all day. I wanted to talk to you about Maes." He wasn't looking at Al but at the tree to the left. Its oversized leaves made a pleasant rushing sound like rain when the wind passed through it. "I know it's not my place to say this but I think you should talk to him. Before things get worse."

Al's eyebrows rose. "Worse?" He inquired.

Edward pulled a stuffed animal cat from his pocket that was attached to a mini box of chocolates. "This," he tossed it to Al in his hole, "is the smallest one I find."

Al hugged the kitty to his dirty face and thank his brother with what he was certain was sparkling eyes.

Edward held up a gloved hand and explained, "When I said found, I meant found from the pile in front of our door. There are quite a few… less now with chocolate treats still attached." He looked guilty at this.

Al nuzzled the kitty again without meaning too. "I don't understand—"

Ed pulled a card from another pocket and opened it. He read it aloud.

_My Dearest Alphonse,_

_Forgive me immensely for being so forward but I couldn't rest until I knew my feelings were expressed correctly. I do not think you are your brother, nor would I dream of pursuing you as some form of replacement. I am perusing you for you because you are the Elric I want._

_I long to kiss your soft lips and claim you as my own. I regret not noticing your rare brilliance and subtle shine sooner but I was blinded by you outrageous brother. As large as the shadow he casts is, you sparkle like an Armstrong in the night. _

_Please accept these gifts as a token of my affection._

_Forever your captive,_

_Maes_

There was a long silence following that Al could feel his horror rise as well as the unwanted blush that was surely on his face.

Edward put the card back in its envelope slowly enough for Al to see the basket of kittens and yarn on the face. He groaned and Edward looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "What are you going to do?"

Al leaned against the opposite dirt wall and put his kitty in his oversized thigh pocket, absentmindedly petting its head. "I have no idea."

"You should fuck him," Ed supplied simply. "It solves anything." He got up and brushed off his legs, oblivious to his brother's horrified face.

Al found his voice amongst all the petrified ones screaming in his head and shouted out, "I CAN'T LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO A MAN!"

Birds took flight and Edward stopped fiddling with his outfit to look at his brother, the knowing smirk on his face made Al want to cry at the comment he just knew was coming next. Al was right, his brother never failed to rise to occasion.

"Come on now Al, you'll never _really _pop that cherry unless you get someone to do it for you. Women aren't equipped to fuck properly, you should know that." Edward winked at him and waved cheerily.

Al blinked at his retreating back until it was out of sight over the hole wall edge. In fact, it wasn't until Monty, his burly boss, poked him on the top of his head that Al even moved. The horror re-awoke within him and he wanted to run around screaming but no. It had to get worse.

"You know Elric; if you're nervous you should ask your brother for some tips. He's really good for that, in fact he helped my lover figure out the mechanics of our new sex swing and even alchemized my ceiling to hold both our weights. Great guy, that Ed is. He really is an alchemist for the people."

Al had never been so happy to be a gravedigger because now he had a fresh grave with him already in it just as he was about to kick the bucket. How ironic.

* * *

Sometimes I wonder if I have a problem... Poor Alphonse. I agree with Ed. It's high time this boy get his cherry popped.

I really love Alphonse. Havoc too. I think I will write one with the two of them in it sometime in the distant future. I have other fics to complete first though. Doesn't Arathe have a fic with a AlxJean subplot?

I wonder if there are others. Regardless this is going more AlxMaes anyways... I think. I didn't mean for it too but it kind of just started happening. I love it when my stories take over but sometimes it horrifies me.

Enjoy the fic.

-Rix the demon


End file.
